Music=Meaning

In my life, music totally speaks to every emotion I have. It has been a huge comfort in this last year. With Daddy dying, that has been a definite life changing event. There is one song that I can see him singing...truly, whole-hearted. I know he, as we all, have struggles in his life, and one of them was letting go of the past and mistakes he'd made...guess like Father like daughter! :)
This song by Third Day-Take it all...it has awesome lyrics about giving it all to Christ...giving everything, laying it truly down. I think he would have liked it.

All the promises I've broken,
All the times I've let You down,
You forgot them, but still I hold on to the pain that makes me drown,
But now I'm ready to let it go, to give it away.

Take it all,
Cause I can't take it any longer,
All I have, I can't make it on my own,
Take the first, take the last,
Take the good and take the rest
Here I am, all I have,
Take it all.

And all the roads that lie before me,
All the struggles I go through,
Every second I'm reminded that it all belongs to You,
Now I'm ready to let it go, to give it away.

Take it all,
Cause I can't take it any longer,
All I have, I can't make it on my own,
Take the first, take the last,
Take the good and take the rest
Here I am, all I have,
Take it all.

And ever since I died to myself,
You gave a better life to me,
I give You my finest moment,
I give You the last breath I breathe.

Take it all,
Cause I can't take it any longer,
All I have, I can't make it on my own,
Take the first, take the last,
Take the good and take the rest,

Take it all,
Cause I can't take it any longer,
All I have, I can't take it on my own,
Take the first, take the last,
Take the good and take the rest,
Here I am, all I have,
Take it all.

I definitely think the last part about "And ever since I died to myself, You gave a better life to me, I give You my finest moment, I give You the last breath I breathe." That...I totally see him doing/saying/feeling. Maybe even lying there on that bed the last moment...
Jesus, I did my best...take my ALL I AM...it's ALL because of you!

It still makes me SO sad that I wasn't there that day. That I had to say Goodbye sitting on the side of my bed, envisioning my mom's phone by his ear. Did he hear me...when I told him it was Ok...he could go...did he really HEAR those words out of my mouth. Did he take a sign of relief...did he stop worrying about us and walk towards God. Did he really wait to hear us ALL say Goodbye. I wish I could hold his hand. I wish I could dance with him one more time. To be hugged by him...see him smile at me and tell me how proud he is of me. To hear him laugh or say Hello when he answered the phone. To see him walk or remember how he loved Old Time Rock n' Roll. To see him Kiss my Mom, or hold the girls. To tell him about this new baby growing inside me and how God is making HIM strong and perfect. To see him waving goodbye on the front porch as we drove away...again. To eat a bowl of cereal with him on Sunday nights. To Hug him...and say I LOVE YOU, just ONE more time. All this is done in my mind...how I miss him.
If I have learn anything about this whole life altering experience, I have learned MORE about my Heavenly Father, through the passing of my Earthly Father. I just wish that ONE of them was physically here...so I could touch, see, hold.
One more thing...when thinking about Daddy, it doesn't feel like someone's kicked me with a boot in my chest anymore. I can at least breath again. I am thankful for that! Sometimes knowing that I'll see him again isn't comfort enough. But if it's what I have to take comfort in, I'll hold on to it as tight as I possibly can!
I love you, I miss you, you are FOREVER in my heart, Daddy!

Easter...Grandparents...1/2way thru April

Oh...I feel as though time is just running past me and although I try hard to catch up, there is no catching the distance it has on me. Oh well... I'm not horribly worried about it. Again...how did I get so relaxed about certain things?

I am trying to figure out which elementary school Zoey will go to. You'd think the Board of Education would know this, but I'm still waiting on them to figure it out...it's a debate between them and the bus garage. I am hoping for a certain one, but really I am knowing that God will know what is best.

Allie is Allie. She's all ready to hit the preschool next school year, but that girl is such an outside I know this summer will be fun for her. She's now sleeping without the bed rail, which is a big deal for such a little girl!

This little guy is now 24 week along...he kicks and moves and I think he laughs at me when it hurts. I love him and can not wait to meet him. August/end of July can't get her soon enough. BUT, that means my firstborn will be leaving me ALL day EVERY day for kindergarten. SO... I am not trying to push time.

Skye is back on days...another adjustment. If anything, God is teaching me flexibility. Learning this will be key to fine tuning who HE wants me to be. It's almost been a year. How I have missed Daddy and all I feel he has missed here. Knowing he is in Heaven watching doesn't always give me a sense of comfort, but knowing that I will see him again does.

Pictures

This picture is of the "White Spot" on the heart. It's AMAZING how they can see the 4 chambers of the heart, and the "Focus".


I am just so giddy with love when I look at these pictures. It's amazing to me how awesome...totally AWESOME God is!
Yes, we checked, it is STILL a boy!

All is well!

I would have to say that My favorite Hymn ever is "It is well with my Soul". I have been listening to this song OVER and OVER again in the last 2 weeks. It's amazing to me how God gives us comfort, each in different ways.
We had our 20 week ultrasound on 10March. I was then told a few days later that all looked good. A couple days after that the doctor called saying that they found a "Spot" on the left ventricle of the heart and that they were not sure but wanted to get it checked out. Get "another" view. I was told to not "worry" that it's generally "Nothing". Ok...to ANY mom...those words are comfort, but NOT what you want to hear. I waited over the weekend for John Hopkins Memorial's Prenatal Clinic to call and set up an appointment. When they called I then found out that this "Spot" is called Echogenic Intracardic Focus. This "Focus" is NOT what I thought it was. See, I thought that they were telling me that there was something WRONG with Little One's heart. I then learned, via Wikipedia that this "Spot" is a Soft Marker for Downs Syndrome. There is NOTHING wrong with the function or development of the heart, but that some children who have downs syndrome have this marker. This being a reason for a further look. So... of we went to see the Genetic Counselor.
This older lady was SO compassionate, understanding, knowledgeable and answered ALL my questions. For all of you know ME, that's A LOT of questions! Basically they go through your family tree. Ask you about EVERYONE you are related to and what YOU know about their medical history. The wonderful fact that God has richly blessed all sides of our family has made my risk factor about 1/900. To me, that's a HUGE number. Between my Age, blood tests, and family history they are saying that if 900 women were in a room, with my risk factor, only 1 would have a baby with downs. 900 of course being a "guesstimate".
From there, we went into the ultrasound room. We met Jane. She is HIGH on my "Your Awesome" list! She explained EVERYTHING she was looking at! I MEAN EVERYTHING!!! Every hair to toe nail. It was an AMAZING experience. I believe God sent her, just because He knew I'd be wondering and too nervous to actually ask all I was thinking. I was SO more understanding as to what I was looking at and looking for. I understand shadows now, and I see the bones, it was SO cool to see the three vessels in the cord...that was NEAT! I was just talking to Skye...the bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:12 that: "And one standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer; three is even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Did you know that the umbilical cord is made of 3 vessels? THAT IS AWESOME FOLKS!!!
Joshua Skye, our little man, has all the bones we "asked for". All are straight, the right size, and wonderfully made. All 10 fingers, and all 10 toes. He has ankles and knees and elbows and kidneys, and intestines, the brain is separated correctly and there are the correct vessels (Or whatever) there also. His spine is perfectly in tack and doesn't come out of his body like in spina-bifida. He doesn't have cleft pallet, or cleft lip, or club foot. He doesn't have any bone deformities, or abnormalities. He has eyes, ears, a cute nose. He even has a little tush and we saw him open and close his mouth. He's ornery and doesn't like being poked at. He would kick it away and move all around. Spinning so she couldn't get good pictures. He is amazing, and God is amazing for creating him. I about burst into tears thinking of how God has blessed our family. Especially considering He is an Awesome God and if it wasn't for His grace, we deserve nothing but Hell.
Ok...back to Josh. As far as the Doctor and the specialist can see, there is not 1 think wrong with him. He is about 1 pound 1 ounce and is in the 38% for growth. They seen no reason for concern and without saying it, I believe they have given us a clean bill of heath.
I believe in the Greatness of God. Greatness not always meaning that we get exactly what we want... but Greatness in that HE is always in control, always knows what is going on, and always knows how it will all end. I believe that even though I was scared that Josh might have downs, that God knew this, and knew that He believed in ME enough to take care of this special child. I know that what may have looked like a curse of having a "special needs" child could be so devastating, to God was proof that He believed in ME, and Knew that I would give MY heart and soul to ANY blessing He gave me. God knows Joshua, he knows all of his days of his life, and know every hair on his head. God knows I have prayed for Joshua for the last almost 2 years. I believe that No matter WHAT, Joshua is a Gift from God. I will accept this gift with ALL the joy in my heart because that is exactly what it is...a Gift. It didn't have to be given...but God is a God who gives! I...Am...Blessed!