Marriage...something you choose daily!

I am the last person to say that marriage is easy, or that I'm a perfect wife, or that no one should ever get divorced. But, for me...these words written are so truth in my heart. I believe them, and live them, and choose them.

"My relationship with my wife, however, transcends the circumstance. If we feel ourselves drift, we reach out our hands and grasp tightly, because I choose to remain at her side, and she at mine. And if I ever look over to find that we’ve somehow lost sight of each other — both now walking alone and lost in that cold night — I will grab a torch and search for her until I find her again. She is my mission, my life’s work, and I’d sooner give up my life than give up on her."

Read his blog: Matt Walsh 

http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/05/29/wife-person-married/2/

#5!

Well this is number five! I have to admit that I never saw myself being a survivor of five deployments. I feel as though on one hand they get easier each time, and on the other hand they get much harder. I think the worst part of it all is the overwhelming sense that I am alone although I know people would come and help at any point, it's not my husband! For he has created a secure life for me. He is so dependable and responsible and trustworthy that I never worry about anything because he can always take care of it.
Just like today I had a flat tire, and what am I supposed to do? I have the hands of an 80-year-old and cannot change a tire by myself. I thank God that it didn't happen on the side of the road, but yet in a place where I have my brother-in-law who can completely fix it for me all I owe his is a lunch. I guess that's the silver lining, the glass half-full view I have to take in order to make it through these next months. I don't know about anybody else but I am madly in love with my husband. He is my best friend and the only person I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I miss him dearly and it's only been a little while. If you think about it say a prayer for him, because I have no idea how he does this!

To homeschool, or not...

With Skye deploying soon, I considered putting the kiddos into public school next year. My main reason was, to give them something to keep their minds super busy while he was gone. I was really leaning towards giving up homeschooling.
Right now the girls are finishing up their co-op called HCA. Homeschool Chrisitan Academy. They've loved the school and learned so much. While at the open house, where they show what the kiddos learned all year, I completely made up my mind. Allies class sang songs about Jesus. Zoey was picked at one of the 5 top kids to play "Ode to Joy" on their recorder. The seeds we've planted in their lives about Jesus and the bible are only being cultivated. They are focusing their lives on Christian  principles and I am so blessed to be part of this group.
The decision has been made, we will homeschool yet another year in 2014-2015.
Whew, glad that decision is made. ;)

It hit me.

I was standing in line behind a couple at target today. The woman was speaking very nasty and man gently Asking her to stop saying she was being unkind. She just ignored him and kept on with her unbecoming behavior. At first I was not really listening but with his gentle persistence caught my attention. I was then a little mortified by her behavior wondering how on earth she can continue with him repetitively, and gently asking her to stop telling her how unkind she was being. The thing was she kept justifying what she had to say over and over again with more and more unkind things thinking that she was writing a wrong but really she was just digging the hole deeper.

Then it hit me, how many times have I done that. Maybe not that exact thing but how many times have I had behavior that was unbecoming and Christ gently spoke to me telling me to stop and I just ignored and continued justifying why I was doing what I was doing only making it worse. I hope that this is an eye-opener for myself to watch what I say and how I am behaving. To be quick to apologize and less quick to justify my wrong behavior.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just overly critical of people, or if this is the spirit speaking to my heart trying to teach me to be of service so that I can change my own behavior. As I don't feel that I was being critical of the woman because I actually felt really bad for her, I'm leaning more towards God just continually speaking to my heart and me being more and more aware of his still soft voice. I want to hear him all the time I want to be aware of his presence in my life. I don't want to be so caught up in self that I can't see him yet continue to praise like I do.

Finding my place...

I just don't know where I'm supposed to be anymore. My part is over, and it's Skye's turn?
We're outside playing and all the neighbor kids are playing football with Skye in the front yard. What do I do? I'm used to having a baby to walk or a toddler to push in a stroller or an older toddler to teach a trike. I'm sitting here watching ALL KIDS play with HIM?
I'm grateful for this special time, and love his desire to invest in them... But feel a bit lost as I'm no needed, just sitting here being a spectator. These new stages are hard, heartwarming, but hard none the less.
I have baby stuff piled in Js room. Diapers, blankets, binkis, bottles and diaper bags...and an empty crib. It's all been replaced with this big toddler who dresses himself, uses the bathroom himself, and sleeps (mostly) through the night. This is so hard...I am happy , but it's hard.

River God

Because GOD can change ANYTHING, even the roughest parts of me!



River God Lyrics
by Nordeman Nichole
Rolling river God
Little stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
so, I am a stone
Rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill
But when I close my eyes
And feel You rushing by
I know that time brings change
And change takes time
And when the sunset comes
My prayer would be this one
That You might pick me up
And notice that I am
Just a little smoother in Your hand
Sometimes raging wild
Sometimes swollen high
Never have I known this river dry
The deepest part of You
Is where I want to stay
And feel the sharpest edges wash away

I survived my negative thoughts.

I completely agree with this statement. There are people in this world who battle the thoughts in their mind more that we will ever know. Suicide rates are up. The thoughts plague them, and as much as people say suicide is selfish, I don't believe those people are trying to be selfish. They just can't see straight. They are blinded by their own thought that are pure hell for them. They feel like they are a burden, they suck the life out of people. They hurt people. If they could subtract themselves from the situation, the equation would be happier, less stress, less drama. They are trying to lesson the load, create peace, make the ones they love happy.
Those people completely do not think about the aftermath of their action. They are thinking the here and now...this minute. The pain hurts, they see no way out, they can't help whatever situation...it's bad, it's not getting better...if I was not here, life would be simpler, happier for those I love and adore. I want them to be happy... I can't help but think that if I was out of this equation...they would be.

THEY ARE SO WRONG! But they can't see it that way. They don't see the truth.

This world is not my home...heaven is my home. I am just passing though. These words by Bill Graham are so very true. When we can get to the place where our thoughts are focused on Christ, and his abounding love for us, this worlds worries will slip away.
When we lived in TX I was in a depression. There came a time when I realized that my life was wasting away while I was stuck in this concrete block called depression and I couldn't move...it was too hard, looked too hard, felt too hard. But a friend came along, she gave me hope...and I depended on her. She was going through her own struggles in life, but she made me a priority. She changed me. I am forever grateful for her.
These last few months of living here in MD I feel myself slipping back into that hole again. See, I've been here 2 times before, I know the warning signs...but fighting the battle in my mind is so much harder that just "doing". But in order to overcome, I MUST do. Fighting suicide and depression is something that I am two faced on. I know the reality of it, I know the struggle, I know the battle. But I also know the other side, the getting up, the fighting, the never quitting. And...the hardest part is deciding your going to fight the battle.

So...I say to you...depression and suicide are real. People aren't trying to be dramatic, or just get attention. It's real, it's hard, it's like asking an alcoholic to stop drinking. It's a fight, in you mind, minute by minute. It's True, it's reality for someone...and they just need that one friend...who loves them despite it all. Who will sit with them and laugh and call and text and email and just keep saying "I love you".
Remember this...it's being Jesus to someone.

Dedicated to Stephanie!