My husband believes that you can mind over matter anything. He says your mind is a very powerful tool and it can control your body however you say. I'd love to say that I believe him, but in this case I have not managed to conquer the mind over matter ordeal I am in. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis nearly 3 years ago to the day. I believe it is a silent killer as you don't see or notice the destruction, it just gets you slowly. The deterioration in your body goes undetected until you physically cannot use a part of your body. For the me that is the right side, mainly my elbow and right-hand. I went and saw a physician today. The part that saddens me the most is when I see the look of disappointment in their eyes.
I feel like somehow I am responsible for this, like I should've tried harder or done something better to fix this problem. Like if I would only eat enough greens or drink enough juice or have enough salad then maybe it would take away the destruction that is going on inside my body. But how do you wage war against something that you don't see. It's not like a tumor that you could take a picture of, or a headache you can't get to go away. It's daily pain, all day pain, that you learn to just keep on walking with. I guess in a way, it becomes part of who you are and you just deal.
The physician then I saw today referred me to a doctor in DC. I have succumbed to the fact that we are not going to have anymore children, and it's time for me to be on long-term medication. See the scariest part about RA is that it kills your internal organs, without you even knowing. That kind of destruction, is nothing I want to play with.
I may not be a career oriented woman. I may not have dreams and aspirations of a masters or doctorate degree. God gave me different dreams. His dreams for me are just to be here for my husband and kids. I can't wait for the day when my kids get married and have babies. I can't wait to go on dates with my husband just me and him. I can't wait for graduation and college and every little tiny detail of the every day life. I live for this kind of stuff! My life is completely fulfilled in doing these kinds of things. But what I don't want is when it comes time for those things for me to be wheeled down the aisle in a wheelchair, because I am unable to walk because of RA.
So tomorrow I call this rheumatologist and talk to them about a consultation. Tomorrow starts a new day for me. I'm really scared to face tomorrow. Even though it's just calling a doctor, it's much more than that. It's a day of surrender. Tomorrow I raise my white flag and say I quit. I'm not giving up! I am just trying to find a way to survive without working against the grain. There has to be a way to overcome this, I guess I'm just looking at the quality-of-life.
I guess I do have one dream, it's a big one for me. I want to run a half marathon. But if you know me you know I physically cannot run. My right ankle has joint damage. Who knows, maybe I'll just walk it.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
In another world...
I'm certain in another world, there will be no pain. There will be no tears or grief, and sadness will not be known. Unfortunately in this life, it's all too plenty. I think often what life would be like if Daddy were here...I think that is normal and expected really. But, what few know, and really few care to know is Skye and I have struggled with miscarriage. I've lost three babies. I feel there is no weight like that of losing a baby because there is no understanding it. See, when Daddy died, I could understand that his heart failed. I can't understand why at 13, 9 and 8 weeks I lost babies. I feel there is no recovering from the incomprehensible. We do not heal from what we do not comprehend.
I think really though it's the fact that people don't really say, Hey...I had a miscarriage and I still hurt from it 10 years later. I think people shy from the topic because there is no way to comfort someone's pain of it. If you lose a child you actually birthed you have physical memories. All I have is the day I started to bleed.
The first miscarriage was the hardest. Despite the stress and shock of it, I'll never forget Skye's look on his face when I got out of my car and told him I was pregnant. He's always been a rock for me, and that day was so exception. He's an amazing man. But the excitement didn't last long when a week after we found out I miscarried. The ultra sound said I was 13 weeks. Think of when you were 13 weeks what you were doing, the planning, the Joy, the name picking out and the gender excitement. Then to have it all die right before you. But see, miscarriages aren't really anything to be sad about because, heck I really never KNEW the baby. I never held it, I never looked at its face. No, see, I lost it. I didn't get those memories...We Didn't get those memories.
Skye was saying today...to think, that baby could be 11...Zoey would have an older brother or sister. We always wanted a big family...4-6 children. I just didn't even imagine that half...HALF our kids would be in heaven.
I guess what keeps a smile on my face and laughter on my lips is these kiddos We do have. What Joy and love they bring to our hearts. Reading with J tonight or singing with Allie or Crafts with Zoey. How blessed am I?? I hate this world, and all the pain it brings...but knowing it's NOT my home makes it so much more bearable. Having Skye with me through it all, totally helps. Each child is a gift from God. Investing in them, to me, is like touching God. They are amazing, and Id love more. WE'd love more. But, Gods plan for us is to be greatful for whatever we have, not ache for what we don't have.
I think really though it's the fact that people don't really say, Hey...I had a miscarriage and I still hurt from it 10 years later. I think people shy from the topic because there is no way to comfort someone's pain of it. If you lose a child you actually birthed you have physical memories. All I have is the day I started to bleed.
The first miscarriage was the hardest. Despite the stress and shock of it, I'll never forget Skye's look on his face when I got out of my car and told him I was pregnant. He's always been a rock for me, and that day was so exception. He's an amazing man. But the excitement didn't last long when a week after we found out I miscarried. The ultra sound said I was 13 weeks. Think of when you were 13 weeks what you were doing, the planning, the Joy, the name picking out and the gender excitement. Then to have it all die right before you. But see, miscarriages aren't really anything to be sad about because, heck I really never KNEW the baby. I never held it, I never looked at its face. No, see, I lost it. I didn't get those memories...We Didn't get those memories.
Skye was saying today...to think, that baby could be 11...Zoey would have an older brother or sister. We always wanted a big family...4-6 children. I just didn't even imagine that half...HALF our kids would be in heaven.
I guess what keeps a smile on my face and laughter on my lips is these kiddos We do have. What Joy and love they bring to our hearts. Reading with J tonight or singing with Allie or Crafts with Zoey. How blessed am I?? I hate this world, and all the pain it brings...but knowing it's NOT my home makes it so much more bearable. Having Skye with me through it all, totally helps. Each child is a gift from God. Investing in them, to me, is like touching God. They are amazing, and Id love more. WE'd love more. But, Gods plan for us is to be greatful for whatever we have, not ache for what we don't have.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Almost 3 weeks...
Almost 3 weeks ago we moved via UHaul Caravan back to SOMD (Southern Maryland). We've been in our "new" house for a bit over 2 weeks and as I was walking around doing my chores today I noticed...it's starting to feel like home.
It's a big house, here in Joy Chapel, that's the name of our subdivision. The backyard butts up to a main road so we're getting a fence put in next week. We are excited to have it block the road, keep it safer for the kids and get Zeke off a 20' chain.
We've been painting, slowly. Almost the whole downstairs is painted, and we have plans for every room upstairs. Just haven't gotten there yet with Christmas filling up free time. I have to admit, this is a HARD time to move. Kids are excited for Christmas, and we got our tree a few days ago. Plan on decorating this weekend while Skye's off.
Speaking on Skye...moved right back into his same job here in the same place. Said it was so great to walk into the hanger smell the jet fuel. :) Crazy military guy! I think they inject them at BMT.
Kids are doing well. Girls are adjusting excellently. Happy to be back in our church, with their friends. Have already had 2 sleepovers! :) And one scheduled for next weekend also. Talking about swimming and gymnastics, and of course softball in the spring. School works is going well. Allie is booming with her reading and Z is really getting those multiplication facts under her belt. So proud of them for how they've had to adjust and keep running at the same time!
J on the other hand, he's struggling. Asks to go to Grammy's and others in Ohio. He hasn't slept through the night and generally crawls into my bed in the middle of the night. I don't know if he's just adjusting to being in a room alone, or if he's just not adjusting as a whole...but he's struggling a bit.
All in all...we are good. This was our 14th move in 11 years. They say #2 on the list of top 10 most stressful events is MOVING!!
http://top10.me/top-10-most-stressful-life-events
We have God, so we are Good! :)
It's a big house, here in Joy Chapel, that's the name of our subdivision. The backyard butts up to a main road so we're getting a fence put in next week. We are excited to have it block the road, keep it safer for the kids and get Zeke off a 20' chain.
We've been painting, slowly. Almost the whole downstairs is painted, and we have plans for every room upstairs. Just haven't gotten there yet with Christmas filling up free time. I have to admit, this is a HARD time to move. Kids are excited for Christmas, and we got our tree a few days ago. Plan on decorating this weekend while Skye's off.
Speaking on Skye...moved right back into his same job here in the same place. Said it was so great to walk into the hanger smell the jet fuel. :) Crazy military guy! I think they inject them at BMT.
Kids are doing well. Girls are adjusting excellently. Happy to be back in our church, with their friends. Have already had 2 sleepovers! :) And one scheduled for next weekend also. Talking about swimming and gymnastics, and of course softball in the spring. School works is going well. Allie is booming with her reading and Z is really getting those multiplication facts under her belt. So proud of them for how they've had to adjust and keep running at the same time!
J on the other hand, he's struggling. Asks to go to Grammy's and others in Ohio. He hasn't slept through the night and generally crawls into my bed in the middle of the night. I don't know if he's just adjusting to being in a room alone, or if he's just not adjusting as a whole...but he's struggling a bit.
All in all...we are good. This was our 14th move in 11 years. They say #2 on the list of top 10 most stressful events is MOVING!!
http://top10.me/top-10-most-stressful-life-events
We have God, so we are Good! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)