Mind over matter?? Not this time!

My husband believes that you can mind over matter anything. He says your mind is a very powerful tool and it can control your body however you say. I'd love to say that I believe him, but in this case I have not managed to conquer the mind over matter ordeal I am in. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis nearly 3 years ago to the day. I believe it is a silent killer as you don't see or notice the destruction, it just gets you slowly. The deterioration in your body goes undetected until you physically cannot use a part of your body. For the me that is the right side, mainly my elbow and right-hand. I went and saw a physician today. The part that saddens me the most is when I see the look of disappointment in their eyes.
I feel like somehow I am responsible for this, like I should've tried harder or done something better to fix this problem. Like if I would only eat enough greens or drink enough juice or have enough salad then maybe it would take away the destruction that is going on inside my body. But how do you wage war against something that you don't see. It's not like a tumor that you could take a picture of, or a headache you can't get to go away. It's daily pain, all day pain, that you learn to just keep on walking with. I guess in a way, it becomes part of who you are and you just deal.
The physician then I saw today referred me to a doctor in DC. I have succumbed to the fact that we are not going to have anymore children, and it's time for me to be on long-term medication. See the scariest part about RA is that it kills your internal organs, without you even knowing. That kind of destruction, is nothing I want to play with.
I may not be a career oriented woman. I may not have dreams and aspirations of a masters or doctorate degree. God gave me different dreams. His dreams for me are just to be here for my husband and kids. I can't wait for the day when my kids get married and have babies. I can't wait to go on dates with my husband just me and him. I can't wait for graduation and college and every little tiny detail of the every day life. I live for this kind of stuff! My life is completely fulfilled in doing these kinds of things. But what I don't want is when it comes time for those things for me to be wheeled down the aisle in a wheelchair, because I am unable to walk because of RA.
So tomorrow I call this rheumatologist and talk to them about a consultation. Tomorrow starts a new day for me. I'm really scared to face tomorrow. Even though it's just calling a doctor, it's much more than that. It's a day of surrender. Tomorrow I raise my white flag and say I quit. I'm not giving up! I am just trying to find a way to survive without working against the grain. There has to be a way to overcome this, I guess I'm just looking at the quality-of-life.
I guess I do have one dream, it's a big one for me. I want to run a half marathon. But if you know me you know I physically cannot run. My right ankle has joint damage. Who knows, maybe I'll just walk it.