In another world...

I'm certain in another world, there will be no pain. There will be no tears or grief, and sadness will not be known. Unfortunately in this life, it's all too plenty. I think often what life would be like if Daddy were here...I think that is normal and expected really. But, what few know, and really few care to know is Skye and I have struggled with miscarriage. I've lost three babies. I feel there is no weight like that of losing a baby because there is no understanding it. See, when Daddy died, I could understand that his heart failed. I can't understand why at 13, 9 and 8 weeks I lost babies. I feel there is no recovering from the incomprehensible. We do not heal from what we do not comprehend.
I think really though it's the fact that people don't really say, Hey...I had a miscarriage and I still hurt from it 10 years later. I think people shy from the topic because there is no way to comfort someone's pain of it. If you lose a child you actually birthed you have physical memories. All I have is the day I started to bleed.
The first miscarriage was the hardest. Despite the stress and shock of it, I'll never forget Skye's look on his face when I got out of my car and told him I was pregnant. He's always been a rock for me, and that day was so exception. He's an amazing man. But the excitement didn't last long when a week after we found out I miscarried. The ultra sound said I was 13 weeks. Think of when you were 13 weeks what you were doing, the planning, the Joy, the name picking out and the gender excitement. Then to have it all die right before you. But see, miscarriages aren't  really anything to be sad about because, heck I really never KNEW the baby. I never held it, I never looked at its face. No, see, I lost it. I didn't get those memories...We Didn't get those memories.
Skye was saying today...to think, that baby could be 11...Zoey would have an older brother or sister. We always wanted a big family...4-6 children. I just didn't even imagine that half...HALF our kids would be in heaven.
I guess what keeps a smile on my face and laughter on my lips is these kiddos We do have. What Joy and love they bring to our hearts. Reading with J tonight or singing with Allie or Crafts with Zoey. How blessed am I?? I hate this world, and all the pain it brings...but knowing it's NOT my home makes it so much more bearable. Having Skye with me through it all, totally helps. Each child is a gift from God. Investing in them, to me, is like touching God. They are amazing, and Id love more. WE'd love more. But, Gods plan for us is to be greatful for whatever we have, not ache for what we don't have.