I hate RA

I think along with having RA I have bipolar tendencies! :) Not really, but this is what I mean.

(The angry side of me) I don't want your help, I don't need your help. I can do it all by myself. I am not deformed (yet), I am not disabled. Just leave me alone. Watch, I'll prove you wrong ( and probably hurt myself in the mean time)

(The broken side of me) I need your help. I can't do this alone. I feel very alone, and I feel like a ball-n-chain and I don't want to bother you but I can't get up off the floor and I need you to not leave me. Help.

(The Reality) I don't want your help, but I need your help. I can do it by myself, but at what cost. I am not totally deformed or disabled, but there are parts of me that really struggle. I will NEVER complain. I will however struggle, hurt, be resentful, bitter and just good old ticked off about this for a really long time. I have a disease. It will not go away, it is not curable, I can't be fixed. I will only deteriorate, I will not "Get better". I MIGHT go into remission like cancer, but it'll always be here, laying dormant waiting for the day to wake up.

So...if you see my kids shoes need tied, can you tie them please. Just don't say anything, just tie them. Or zip up their coat, help put on gloves, cut meat or really cut anything. Just do it, because I need you to and will probably not ask. Would you?

I think the hardest thing for me is talking to Skye about life down the road. Seeing the need for a 1 story house. Asking him if he'll be ok with cutting up my food for the rest of my life. Telling him I might never be able to have another baby. Accepting I might never be able to dance at my children's weddings, or help make their decorations. Asking Skye if he's ok with helping me in and out of bed. These things are so humbling, I am so dependent, when I have to be so independent. I am a Military Wife. I need to be strong and courageous and independent and self-sufficient. It's who I strive to be. It's the life I've built.

How do you rewrite your life? How do you give up your hopes and dreams? How do you just stop, and write a new chapter? That is what I'm trying to figure out.