Some friends....

What's the childhood song? Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold! Well, that is so true!!

It was 2007, spring, church softball season. I was at the park with two little girls, wanting to watch my husband play ball,  and all they wanted to do was play on the playground. I think I struggled with post-pardon depression, or depression of some kind. It was a hard year. Then this lady, I didn't really know her but she was married to Skye's closest friend Nick, came over and asked if she could push theM on the swings,  and give me a chance to watch Skye. I thought she was an angel!! I still think this!!

We moved away the next year, but not before becoming closer friends with Nick and Leigh. There was something super special about them...something I was just drawn to. In 2009, Nick passed away exactly 6 months after mu dad died, in a plane crash. Leigh, 'u sweet friend was pregnant with their second child. Skye and I did whatever we could to help Leigh out, even though we were miles apart. Nick was dear to us, Leigh and the kids are dear to up.

With each passing year, we never forget Nick's Heaven Birthday, and Leigh made sure this year, Nick didn't forget us. With our surprise baby coming right around the corner Nick and Leigh blessed us with a beautiful package of sweet gifts to get ready for "Baby E". This is Leigh's way of making sure Nick's love for blessing people never stops! Because he LOVED to bless people!!

Fiesty Pants

Back in March we bought 13 baby chicks. We picked a varied of chicks because we wanted different eggs. One type was a Bantam. We had two, but one died. The one that lived, well she had a rough road. Bantams are smaller chickens. But they are beautiful birds. Because she was smalller, she was picked on by the other chickens. The awesome part, she's turn around and kick up things at the other chickens to keep them off of her. She was fast, and could fly higher then the other chickens. I named her Fiesty Pants, because she was fierce and my absolute favorite.

I was gone, but when I got home Skye  told me a hawk had attacked Fiesty Pants and killed her. He said that he didn't see the attack, but she must have put up a fight because the hawk didn't take off with her. He buried her out in the grass. Where he buried her he found a horseshoe, while digging her grave. 

I know it's just a chicken. But she was my chicken. Seems like everything I touch withers away sometimes. Just makes me sad. Poor Fiesty Pants! Breaks my heart.

Haiti, summer And surprises

At the end of May this year I was blessed to go on a mission trip to Grand Guave Haiti. What an adventure that was. There was so many experiences I can't write them  and one post.  Our mission there was to help with the mother and child nutrition program along with building a house for an 18-year-old girl.  It was hot and exhausting but so cool to just volunteer and help somebody in need. I thoroughly enjoyed so many parts of the trip but towards the end of the trip I started to not feel well and struggled with being nauseous and unable to eat food. I was ready to come home to the comforts of my little farmhouse in Kentucky.
 Coming home to my husband and children was one of the best gifts ever. I was so grateful to see their faces as we came down the escalator from customs in the airport. Hugging them was like home. I still wasn't feeling well and so I assumed I was just exhausted from the trip. A couple days later I realize that there might be a reason for  my sickness. I decided to take a pregnancy test and to my shock it came back positive and three seconds flat. Being that J  is six years old I was done and moved on in my life. We had always wanted for children but I had laid down my desires and decided to be content and grateful for the blessings that we did have. This was such a shock to me as I had focused my thoughts on the future  and what our family looks like, we seem to complete. It's been hard all these months still to grass the thought of another person being part of this family. January cannot come fast enough.
 We've lived in this house for one year. This will be our second Christmas and one house, and if you know how often they move around this is a blessing. With no moving site I am really focusing on life here and not the next step, or the next move, or the next set of "orders".  We have three cats, 10 chickens, one rooster and nine hands, and one ornery little five-month-old puppy. The thought of having to move any of that just about frightens me and so I'm grateful that God has kept us here for the meantime.
We deal with crazy things like cats killing mice, dogs eating mice, moles uprooting our garden, and chickens ruining my flowerbeds. Mowing the grass takes a good 2 hours plus and that's not including weed eating or trimming. Since we have a new baby coming we realized this house isn't really set up for a "bigger" family and we've been working on renovating. These projects are seemingly taking forever but that is probably due to the countdown till baby hanging over our heads.

Tap Root

A couple months ago, we were walking down our lane and noticed a couple small trees growing in the fence line, One was a Maple, and one was an Ash. We don't really have trees in our yard, so I suggested we dig them up, and plant them in our yard. Sounded like a great idea, right? Here are these pretty little trees, growing strong where they were planted. They looked beautiful and they were about 3 feet tall. We went and got a shovel, and started digging. Knowing we'd need to dig out around the tree a bit, we dug a wide hole for the roots. He thought he had dug deep enough and started to dig around the bottom to finish the root ball when we hear a snap!
It was then that we realized there was ONE deep thick root that we didn't realize this tree had, and we had snapped it in half. I felt terrible! Now we've just killed this perfectly healthy baby tree because we wanted it in our yard! How selfish, how silly. We decided to finish digging the rest of the tree up, and replant it, in hopes it might, MAYBE, survive.
He quickly dug another hole in our yard, we replanted the baby tree with the tap root cut in half, watered it, and hoped for the best. But, within days, the leaves died up, fell off, and this little beautiful baby tree looked so dead. I felt terrible! It's amazing how selfish actions hurt others, innocent bystanders, that had nothing to do with my choices. This poor tree was dead, because of me. It didn't do anything, it was living and growing strong, but I had to have it, and I ended up killing it.
Or so I thought.
It was leaf-less and stiff. It looked so dead for such a long time. I had recently planted a couple other trees I had purchased from a nursery and was told that the reason trees die within the first 3 years of transplant is because of lack of water. So weekly I drag out gallon jugs I've saved, filled them with water, and go and water all these baby trees. I decided to add these into my weekly chore.
Funny how a bit of watering, hope, and nurturing can help heal the dead! Who knew this little tree had to died, lose all its beauty, in order to bloom and grow where it was transplanted!
Soon, our little tree started to grow tiny leaves. Tiny blooms started to bud and I was so thrilled!! We hadn't killed it like we thought!! We just stunned it, we broke it, we hurt it, for a time! But soon, after it mourned the loss of all we had done to it, it then endured! It grew! It dug roots, replanted itself, and started to bloom!
To me, this little tree is an inspiration! It's amazing what can happen to us. It's amazing the damage we can do to each other. Selfishness, wanting what we want when we want it, needing something now because we deserve it.  But, if we lean into the one who created us, we can grow, bloom, and be beautiful again. It gives me hope!

Thistles

Living out on the farm, I've experienced so much in the last months. It's funny to me, how so much of Farm life correlates with life with God. God uses so much in our daily lives to bring us closer to him, but sometimes we just don't see it.
The neighbors called our lane "Thistle Alley" with good reason. There are these giant thistles all over the place. The grow tall, with sharp "Leaves" and they really do hurt badly. But at the top, is this very pretty pink flower, that almost makes keeping them worthwhile. The stock is a vibrant green color. The roots are brittle and break easy, with one long root down the center. They are hard to pull out, you  have to dig them up. We've spent hours and hours digging up these plants to get rid of them.
The correlation: Sin, lies, deceit, is just like this thistle. It can be vibrant and produce pretty "flowers" so that it doesn't seem so bad, But, it's full of thorns that hurt badly and the roots are brittle and break easy. Sin has a promise of a beautiful ending: "The Flower", but everything else is painful and grows no roots to withstand any kind of pressure. The worst part, in order to get it out of your life, it's hard work, and you have to dig it up, and that is painful. So really, there is nothing great about sin, or thistles! They both grow fast, seem like a great thing, until the hurt and pain and digging up part.
Interesting how God does that...

Mowing...

I like mowing the grass. Since moving here to horse country, we have a couple acres to mow. I enjoy mowing because I turn on a podcast and listen. I live on Podcasts since we moved here. I discovered them before we left MD, and during the darkest days of my life, I've had the word of God spoken into my heart to keep my eyes focused on the Author and Finisher of my life. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have these few churches I follow speaking into my brain at certain times. I am so very greatful for them.
"When Darkenss Falls" by Louie Giglio from Passion City Church is by far the best sermon Ive ever heard in my life. I've listened to it more than a dozen times. Louie talks about a painful experience in his life, one he believes he will always have a "wound" from. I can totally understand that. See, we can keep walking through life, keep going, but it doesn't mean well ever fully recover from whatever happened. Maybe we'll be different, maybe our perspective will change, maybe we will be stronger in some areas, but to fully recover from something that rocked you, i'm not sure if you recover, or if you just learn to "walk with a limp".
I'm a passionate person, I feel everything. I take everything people say, stew over it, dissect it, apply it, think about it, pray about it. I remember certain things said to me so vividly, so much like a movie in my head. Sometimes I can't get that movie to quit playing. From there, I will spiral down and let the enemy beat me up so badly. I forget who I am in Christ. See, the world is not my home. I keep trying to make it here, to thrive here, to become happy here. But all that is a look, a perspective. I can be happy in the world, because I am happy in Christ. I can thrive here in this world, because I am thriving in Christ.
In my darkest times as a kid, I could crawl up on my Dad's lap and cry in his arms while he held me. I remember it strongly. As a wife, a grown woman, I've crawled up on my husbands arms and cried while he held me. The safety and comfort there is like no other place. But where do I go when I can't run there? Many, MANY times I've just curled up and cried, and in my mind I am in the arms of the Lord, for He is my comfort, my resting place, my safe place. He is my healer. He tells my soul to be still, to know that He is good, and he will protect me. I've played: "I lift my hand" by Chris Tomlin. He and Louie wrote this song. It was a song God gave Louie in the middle on the night when he couldn't sleep and worry and fret and fear would over take him. I can relate to this. Louie encourages to let God make a play list for you, so you can penetrate your spirit with worship. Because only worship will give you through the darkest moments in your life. God gave me a play list. I have it on my phone titled: Worship, and I listen to it near constantly.
When sadness comes, mercy should follow. Mercy is described as this:
compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm.

Show mercy to people, show mercy to yourself. Because God is a God of mercy!!

Listen to these songs:
Mercy (The LIVE version) - Bethel Music
I lift my Hands- Chris Tomlin
Anchor (Live) - Bethel Music

2016...i think I skipped a couple years...

It's 2016! I can't believe that I haven't posted in about 2 years. How much life has been lived, and how much life has passed. The Story of Us has many more chapters in the book...more than I can blog about, that's for certain.
Most recently we've moved from Southern Maryland, where we called home for nearly 6 years, to Central Kentucky. Never really saw myself in KY, but then again, I never really made plans for my life either. Hubby got a job transfer here, and so far, so good. Life is slower here, quieter, simpler, and rural also. We live on a small hobby farm that we are slowly but surely making our own. That is my favorite part about life right now.
I can very easily lose myself and escape from my mind here. I get outside and walk the perimeter of our land and just let the world in my mind dissolve away. A couple weeks ago I purchased a few trees. Two Apple, two Peach and one Cherry, in honor of Hubby's Grandpa who passed away a in 2015. We've planted them all, and are on a weekly watering schedule as I have researched that the reason most trees die in the first 3 years is lack of water.
This weekend we mostly finished our "Crazy Coop" or chicken coop. The kids and I painted it one color for each of us, to symbol all our differences all together, working together to make a unit. It's fun and crazy. We purchased 13 chickens, 3 of which passed away before we got them into the coop. We have one little lady I've lovingly named "Feisty Pants" because shes so much smaller than all the other chickens and she gives them all heck when they heckle her. She's spunky and strong, even as a tiny bird. She's my favorite! They are all doing well out there, and were excited every time we see them as they are growing each day. It's pretty cool.
The garden will be planted this week. I'm overwhelmed at how little my seedling are not growing, but I'm sure once they are in a soil garden, they'll do much better. Its funny how we can be like those seedlings. Grow enough to survive, but not thrive. The right amount of nutrients in the soil, water, and sunlight is what helps growth...but if you don't get those things, growth doesn't occur. I feel like that is me. I'm always searching for something that will help me grow, but there's only One that can give me all that I need....and He is who I need to fill the holes in my heart with...Jesus Christ alone.
I recently lost a dear friend to me. She and I were the best of friends. I miss her near daily and I invested all of me into her. I think sometimes we forget that this world was never meant to fulfill us, as it is not our home. But sometimes we invest so much, we are deeply saddened when it's all taken away, forgetting we were created for a higher place. She was my bestie, and I miss her daily, daily!
The kiddos are growing like the weeds in the lawn that I can't keep up with. They are smart, funny, amazingly talented and learning more life lessons than I'd like them to for little people. My only hope is that one day, they'll see this as growth in character and not intentional hurt, as "No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening, it's painful! But afterwards there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way." (Heb. 12:11) Moving, change, leaving loved ones, is like a wound that takes time to heal. I pray they will one day see that their father and I made mistakes, but did our best to be all that God has called us to be, knowing we aren't perfect. People say Kids are resilient, but I think kids learn to be resilient....as mine have had no choice! They are mostly Military Brats.
Here's a toast to 2016, even though it's May. May 2016 be a game changer. May KY be a game changer. May we look back on life and see how 2016, Ky, changed our lives for the better...that, this, is my constant prayer.

Marriage...something you choose daily!

I am the last person to say that marriage is easy, or that I'm a perfect wife, or that no one should ever get divorced. But, for me...these words written are so truth in my heart. I believe them, and live them, and choose them.

"My relationship with my wife, however, transcends the circumstance. If we feel ourselves drift, we reach out our hands and grasp tightly, because I choose to remain at her side, and she at mine. And if I ever look over to find that we’ve somehow lost sight of each other — both now walking alone and lost in that cold night — I will grab a torch and search for her until I find her again. She is my mission, my life’s work, and I’d sooner give up my life than give up on her."

Read his blog: Matt Walsh 

http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/05/29/wife-person-married/2/

#5!

Well this is number five! I have to admit that I never saw myself being a survivor of five deployments. I feel as though on one hand they get easier each time, and on the other hand they get much harder. I think the worst part of it all is the overwhelming sense that I am alone although I know people would come and help at any point, it's not my husband! For he has created a secure life for me. He is so dependable and responsible and trustworthy that I never worry about anything because he can always take care of it.
Just like today I had a flat tire, and what am I supposed to do? I have the hands of an 80-year-old and cannot change a tire by myself. I thank God that it didn't happen on the side of the road, but yet in a place where I have my brother-in-law who can completely fix it for me all I owe his is a lunch. I guess that's the silver lining, the glass half-full view I have to take in order to make it through these next months. I don't know about anybody else but I am madly in love with my husband. He is my best friend and the only person I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I miss him dearly and it's only been a little while. If you think about it say a prayer for him, because I have no idea how he does this!

To homeschool, or not...

With Skye deploying soon, I considered putting the kiddos into public school next year. My main reason was, to give them something to keep their minds super busy while he was gone. I was really leaning towards giving up homeschooling.
Right now the girls are finishing up their co-op called HCA. Homeschool Chrisitan Academy. They've loved the school and learned so much. While at the open house, where they show what the kiddos learned all year, I completely made up my mind. Allies class sang songs about Jesus. Zoey was picked at one of the 5 top kids to play "Ode to Joy" on their recorder. The seeds we've planted in their lives about Jesus and the bible are only being cultivated. They are focusing their lives on Christian  principles and I am so blessed to be part of this group.
The decision has been made, we will homeschool yet another year in 2014-2015.
Whew, glad that decision is made. ;)

It hit me.

I was standing in line behind a couple at target today. The woman was speaking very nasty and man gently Asking her to stop saying she was being unkind. She just ignored him and kept on with her unbecoming behavior. At first I was not really listening but with his gentle persistence caught my attention. I was then a little mortified by her behavior wondering how on earth she can continue with him repetitively, and gently asking her to stop telling her how unkind she was being. The thing was she kept justifying what she had to say over and over again with more and more unkind things thinking that she was writing a wrong but really she was just digging the hole deeper.

Then it hit me, how many times have I done that. Maybe not that exact thing but how many times have I had behavior that was unbecoming and Christ gently spoke to me telling me to stop and I just ignored and continued justifying why I was doing what I was doing only making it worse. I hope that this is an eye-opener for myself to watch what I say and how I am behaving. To be quick to apologize and less quick to justify my wrong behavior.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just overly critical of people, or if this is the spirit speaking to my heart trying to teach me to be of service so that I can change my own behavior. As I don't feel that I was being critical of the woman because I actually felt really bad for her, I'm leaning more towards God just continually speaking to my heart and me being more and more aware of his still soft voice. I want to hear him all the time I want to be aware of his presence in my life. I don't want to be so caught up in self that I can't see him yet continue to praise like I do.

Finding my place...

I just don't know where I'm supposed to be anymore. My part is over, and it's Skye's turn?
We're outside playing and all the neighbor kids are playing football with Skye in the front yard. What do I do? I'm used to having a baby to walk or a toddler to push in a stroller or an older toddler to teach a trike. I'm sitting here watching ALL KIDS play with HIM?
I'm grateful for this special time, and love his desire to invest in them... But feel a bit lost as I'm no needed, just sitting here being a spectator. These new stages are hard, heartwarming, but hard none the less.
I have baby stuff piled in Js room. Diapers, blankets, binkis, bottles and diaper bags...and an empty crib. It's all been replaced with this big toddler who dresses himself, uses the bathroom himself, and sleeps (mostly) through the night. This is so hard...I am happy , but it's hard.

River God

Because GOD can change ANYTHING, even the roughest parts of me!



River God Lyrics
by Nordeman Nichole
Rolling river God
Little stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
so, I am a stone
Rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill
But when I close my eyes
And feel You rushing by
I know that time brings change
And change takes time
And when the sunset comes
My prayer would be this one
That You might pick me up
And notice that I am
Just a little smoother in Your hand
Sometimes raging wild
Sometimes swollen high
Never have I known this river dry
The deepest part of You
Is where I want to stay
And feel the sharpest edges wash away

I survived my negative thoughts.

I completely agree with this statement. There are people in this world who battle the thoughts in their mind more that we will ever know. Suicide rates are up. The thoughts plague them, and as much as people say suicide is selfish, I don't believe those people are trying to be selfish. They just can't see straight. They are blinded by their own thought that are pure hell for them. They feel like they are a burden, they suck the life out of people. They hurt people. If they could subtract themselves from the situation, the equation would be happier, less stress, less drama. They are trying to lesson the load, create peace, make the ones they love happy.
Those people completely do not think about the aftermath of their action. They are thinking the here and now...this minute. The pain hurts, they see no way out, they can't help whatever situation...it's bad, it's not getting better...if I was not here, life would be simpler, happier for those I love and adore. I want them to be happy... I can't help but think that if I was out of this equation...they would be.

THEY ARE SO WRONG! But they can't see it that way. They don't see the truth.

This world is not my home...heaven is my home. I am just passing though. These words by Bill Graham are so very true. When we can get to the place where our thoughts are focused on Christ, and his abounding love for us, this worlds worries will slip away.
When we lived in TX I was in a depression. There came a time when I realized that my life was wasting away while I was stuck in this concrete block called depression and I couldn't move...it was too hard, looked too hard, felt too hard. But a friend came along, she gave me hope...and I depended on her. She was going through her own struggles in life, but she made me a priority. She changed me. I am forever grateful for her.
These last few months of living here in MD I feel myself slipping back into that hole again. See, I've been here 2 times before, I know the warning signs...but fighting the battle in my mind is so much harder that just "doing". But in order to overcome, I MUST do. Fighting suicide and depression is something that I am two faced on. I know the reality of it, I know the struggle, I know the battle. But I also know the other side, the getting up, the fighting, the never quitting. And...the hardest part is deciding your going to fight the battle.

So...I say to you...depression and suicide are real. People aren't trying to be dramatic, or just get attention. It's real, it's hard, it's like asking an alcoholic to stop drinking. It's a fight, in you mind, minute by minute. It's True, it's reality for someone...and they just need that one friend...who loves them despite it all. Who will sit with them and laugh and call and text and email and just keep saying "I love you".
Remember this...it's being Jesus to someone.

Dedicated to Stephanie!

I hate RA

I think along with having RA I have bipolar tendencies! :) Not really, but this is what I mean.

(The angry side of me) I don't want your help, I don't need your help. I can do it all by myself. I am not deformed (yet), I am not disabled. Just leave me alone. Watch, I'll prove you wrong ( and probably hurt myself in the mean time)

(The broken side of me) I need your help. I can't do this alone. I feel very alone, and I feel like a ball-n-chain and I don't want to bother you but I can't get up off the floor and I need you to not leave me. Help.

(The Reality) I don't want your help, but I need your help. I can do it by myself, but at what cost. I am not totally deformed or disabled, but there are parts of me that really struggle. I will NEVER complain. I will however struggle, hurt, be resentful, bitter and just good old ticked off about this for a really long time. I have a disease. It will not go away, it is not curable, I can't be fixed. I will only deteriorate, I will not "Get better". I MIGHT go into remission like cancer, but it'll always be here, laying dormant waiting for the day to wake up.

So...if you see my kids shoes need tied, can you tie them please. Just don't say anything, just tie them. Or zip up their coat, help put on gloves, cut meat or really cut anything. Just do it, because I need you to and will probably not ask. Would you?

I think the hardest thing for me is talking to Skye about life down the road. Seeing the need for a 1 story house. Asking him if he'll be ok with cutting up my food for the rest of my life. Telling him I might never be able to have another baby. Accepting I might never be able to dance at my children's weddings, or help make their decorations. Asking Skye if he's ok with helping me in and out of bed. These things are so humbling, I am so dependent, when I have to be so independent. I am a Military Wife. I need to be strong and courageous and independent and self-sufficient. It's who I strive to be. It's the life I've built.

How do you rewrite your life? How do you give up your hopes and dreams? How do you just stop, and write a new chapter? That is what I'm trying to figure out.

Failures as wrinkles

I've been thinking a lot about my failures. How I've failed as a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. How I can justify myself through any situation by playing the "it's not my fault" game. I see myself totally different then how God sees me. I say: "I am a failure" He says: "You are mine"!

So, what if we look at the things that upset us, annoy us, really rub us wrong about someone else as the wrinkles in the clay of who they were. In the bible it says we are like clay that the Potter (God) is molding. He sees me as this beautiful design that he's in the middle of creating. To him, I am gorgeous. I am not a failure. That would be the word I would write over my forehead to describe myself. What is yours? I'm certain it's not "beautiful", "wonderful", "Gorgeous", "amazing"!

If God looks at me like this...why don't I look at me/other people like this. Why do I see them as the wrinkly, bumpy, lumpy clay that God is molding. Why can't I see people how God sees them? In my opinion, self. My own self pride, fear, jealously gets in the way. And in the end all that does is ruins relationships and hurts people, badly.

I am a big lump of clay...bumpy, lumpy, and wrinkled. God is working on me, and I Hate it. It hurts, it's painful. I want him to stop pushing and pulling and tugging at me...but in the end I'll be what he's designed me to be. Can you see me that way? Can I see others this way? Or do I only look through my thick glasses called "Self" and see that big pile of lumpy clay?

Life with RA.

I've been on this eating lifestyle for a month now. I am down 1 pill a day and down 10 pounds. But it's not all eating that effects RA. stress and lack of sleep are up there and I can't say I'm doing well in those areas.
My mom came to visit and we drove up to Long Island to see my sister and her family, including one super cute 9 week old baby. She's so sweet and I love holding her. But a long time of that on top of driving here and my hands are tired and achy. RA also effect your ability to get pregnant and I know that God is bigger than any autoimmune disease, but holding Katie sure makes met heart ache for another baby and sad that after 3 years of trying God hasn't seem fit to bless us again. Maybe if I get better?
These are the downfalls of RA, aching joints, disappointment and pain. But in all that I have so much Joy in Christ. Mostly in knowing that this broken world is not my home. I will endure all the suffering knowing that Heaven is around the corner and I will get a new body, RA free, and I'm excited for that. I just hope God keeps me a redhead! ;)

Breaking them down...

I'm not sure about you but I fully admit that I am old-school. I am totally "the man is the head of the house", I am to be submissive to him kind of wife. I really have no problem with it because 1. It is what the Bible says and 2. It is my gift to him to be a submissive encouraging wife. Now that I have a son of my own a lot of things jump out at me. Ways that women treat men on TV, the radio, and every day life. How are we building up these men, these leaders of our lives. Are we doing what the Bible asks us to do? Are we doing what God tells us to do?
I was extremely disturbed today when I was at the grocery store. I saw this mother completely mentally brutalized her son in the way of him being a man. This is how the conversation went, the little boy said to mom: "Am I the man of the house now that daddy is gone?" Mom laughed, hysterically laughed at him and said "even when daddy's home I am the man of the house. He is under me." For me, the saddest part wasn't so much what she said, or what she did. The saddest part was one day she will look at him and tell him to "man up". She will look at him and tell him to "lead his family", and that boy will have no clue what she is saying to him.
At the girls school, they start the day with prayer. The leader ask if anyone was willing to pray? This young boy maybe sixth or seventh grade stood up and prayed over the entire school. His words were strong and firm. It was so encouraging, almost brought tears to my eyes, to see this young man leading us. He was asking God to be with us, he was praying for us with strength. It was breath taking.
Amazing the two different ways I saw today. One will stand up and lead the next generation. The other will have no idea what that even means. Are we building up or men, or boys? Are we focusing on the positives or constantly reminding them of their faults? We are teaching strength against the crowd, courage toward peers? Are the fruits of the spirit in our lives?

I hope so...I really hope so!

A life of contentment...

I've started reading "Resolution for Women"...again. I say again because it's a hard one to get through.Priscilla Shirer is one of my fav's in women christian teachers. She's full of life, encouraging, but a total "tell ya what I really mean" type of person. There is no beating around the bush with her, and I like it. Give it to me...don't make me guess, cause I'll definitely guess wrong!!
I'm inspired and I'm only a couple chapters in...again. To start off with a bang she hits you with the idea that you may or may not be living a life of discontentment. Ummm....let that soak in, think about it...BOOM! yep, that's me...I'm discontent about, well...everything!!!
Life
House
Marriage
family
church
friends
state we live in
bills
spiritual growth
weight
looks
fashion
and so the list could continue...but i'll spare some gory details.

Why? What in the world would I ever be discontent about? I have a beautiful house, car, husband, kids, health, money in the bank, friends, curly red hair...what more could I possibly want??

And honestly that is exactly what the problem is. Entitlement and expectation. I am "entitled" to get what I "expect". Sad, but truth...still very sad.

I am a child of the Most High God who has chosen to save me. Sent His son to die for me, a sacrifice in my place. Who am I?? I am a spoiled, greedy brat. Sad, but truth again.

What in for once I would just stop. Not so much to smell the roses but to take a deep breath, say "Lord, I need you. I am such a brat. You are so awesome. I don't deserve all that you have given me. I apologize for being so ungrateful and full of discontent." How could that possible change my world?

Would it make everything perfect? Take away my RA? Make me skinny? Make my kids mind? Make me the perfect wife? Make me the best person ever. NO. But it will do ONE thing, and in all honesty, it's probably the most important and most life changing. It WILL draw me closer to my heavenly Father. Wash all this worldly stuff away, and that is all that matters.

Truth.

Stuck somewhere between two worlds...

I was telling Eddie today and we are stuck somewhere between two worlds and we don't belong to either. First,  the military. We live a military life. Mission first, deployments, country, unit then family...blah blah blah. It's our life...it's all we know, it's all the kids know. Yet, we are not military and we will never be again. We don't belong.
The farm. We just sold our dream property and house to Skye sister and her family. It was all we ever wanted. It's was 20 gorgeous acres, chickens, working on horses. A dream...then we woke up. We don't belong there either. Where do we belong...

Honestly, I have no idea. That's what we were talking about. So what do you do when you don't have a world you belong to? We wander somewhere in the middle and it causes great stress as we try to figure it out.